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Linc's SpaceApril 04 I'm never here anymore - check my YouTube The title kinda says it all. You may have noticed there's pretty much nothing new on here. No new blogs, no new pictures, no new anything. But if you go to my YouTube page at http://www.youtube.com/user/LincolnTrudeau you'll see new stuff all the time. So go there. That's all. Linc October 03 Broken Linc: Video Blogs on YouTubeOkay so there probably won't be much in the way of my traditional blogs on here anymore...in fact, probably nothing. I've shifted over to doing video blogs and like doing those more and people seem to be responding to them better anyway. As of today (Oct 2, '07) I have 4 of them and plan to release approx. 1 per week (give or take). To see a list of all videos, go to my YouTube profile page -- to see the individual "fragments" (episodes), click on any of the following:
Please send my YouTube profile page link around to anyone you can and please subscribe to my YouTube to be automatically updated when I post a new one.
Please leave comments on the individual videos. Hope you enjoy :)
Linc July 21 Lots and lots of "friends"...but what if nobody likes you?I know that things like Facebook, Myspace, MSN, text messaging, etc. are supposed to make it easier for us all to communicate and bring us closer together. But I just find they can make you feel more lonely. Something to do with an illusionary amount of potential contact that is so seldom realized.
You’ll be sitting at the computer on Facebook going, “What the hell? I’ve got 1800 friends and I’ve been sitting here for…God, must be FIVE MINUTES – not ONE message in that time! Not from any one of my 1800 friends! Law of averages people; LOOK INTO IT! C’mon what am I, a pariah? Why did you even click ‘Accept’ to my friend request; is that what a friend is these days? Never writing? And my cell phone – no text messages in half an hour! I might as well be a hermit living in the mountains with a beard down to the floor that I have to throw over my shoulder so I don’t trip on it. Well this day is just buckets and buckets of sadness and maybe a few drops of bitterness for good measure. I hate you all!” Ya best protect ya pin, kid (oh yes, I DID say that)The other day, I’m in line to pay for groceries and I notice the woman in front of me is being very careful to “Protect Your Pin”. She's shielding her card from my view as though she were protecting a child from a wild dog attack. I understand the need for safety but there’s no need for paranoia, lady. See, I’m no TechnoSuperGeek. I can’t see a PIN number and use that information alone to hack into a mainframe somewhere and clean out your account. See, I was the kind of guy in high school where people would go, "Hmmm...he might be OKAY at computers. Better than some, I guess. No way could he hack the Pentagon...probably not even the school. But not popular. DEFINITELY not popular"
See, I would need to witness your PIN number and then follow you out of the store and bash your head in with a rock as you get to the parking lot and use the actual card to steal your money. Very low-tech. And in that scenario, shouldn’t you be more concerned with having your head bashed in?
You want our pizza...no, don't try not to...you DO. You WANT it.Literally a minute's drive from where we live is a Little Caesar's Pizza. Since we moved here last Oct., the place has had this $5 medium pizza deal -- you walk in, pizza's already ready, you pay $5 plus tax and you leave in about a minute. Well the last while they've had "mascots" promoting this offer -- kids standing on the side of the road, awkwardly waving about these big signs with the offer listed on it. Normally it was 1 kid; maybe 2. Well yesterday there were 2 kids waving signs PLUS a guy wearing that Little Caesar mascot character costume (the toga-wearing guy). And on the other side of the road a little ways up -- 2 more kids with signs. So FIVE people. At the SAME time. On the SAME road. I've never seen more than 3 employees at Little Caesar's at one time and yet they are paying for FIVE people to stand on the road. I have no idea how effective it is but if having five is that much more effective than, say, 3-4 people, shouldn't they at least have more staff serving the bloody customers? Am I nuts in thinking this? C'mon dammit, get back to making pizza and get your scary kids off our sidewalks! July 07 The day my wife almost died (and me finding humour anyway 'cause I'm a big jerk)My wife recently got very sick (they thought she was going to die – that sick) and had to spend a few days in the hospital, during which time she could not eat or drink anything – everything was through IV. And so with the Worst Husband Ever awards just around the corner, I decided to visit her with a Big Mac Combo and eat it in front of her, going “Mmmm…oh dear LORD, they got it perfect this time. Someone take a picture of this burger right now – no burger HAS ever or WILL ever top this. It won’t happen. The flavour is so delicious; no words can do it justice. You would need to take a bite to appreciate what I mean -- but because it’s so great, if you DO take a bite, I will break your cheekbones. If this taste was a bank heist, we’d be home free in Fiji right now with millions of dollars and an airtight alibi. It’s an unnecessarily complicated analogy but this is no simple burger so it works.” I couldn't even get hired by McDonalds. Seriously.So in highschool, many of my friends worked at one of the most popular places for students to work in: McDonalds. And I wanted to work there too – not really, but I wanted to work with my friends. And I got REJECTED. By McDonalds. TWICE. After the second rejection, I submitted my application form in the “Loser of the Decade” contest though I just missed the deadline. But then I got a note in the mail saying I won and that it was just typical of the Loser of the Decade to be late for the deadline – also, like I said, it was just a NOTE. Not a letter or certificate -- a scribbly note. The note explained that the award was actually supposed to be a cherry wood plaque with gold lettering but they figured a note was better suited to the person named Loser of the Decade. Funerals, condolences and other happy little thoughtsRecently, my wife’s grandma died and at such times, my brain sometimes will wander off into the Land of Inappropriate Thoughts. As we’re at the funeral home, it occurs to me: the funeral business isn’t a bad one to get into. You dress up, you perfect that “pained smile” look (the one you use to greet people – you can’t look TOO happy because then they’ll think you’re making light of the death of their loved one but you can’t look TOO glum because then you’re bringing THEM down and they’ve got enough of that already), you keep a healthy supply of water, coffee, pop and cookies and you tell people where the bathrooms are. Job security is fantastic – though if the place you’re in does close down, it might be hard to get sympathy from anyone. “Yeah, I got let go; I don’t get it – not enough new business rolling in…I kept PRAYING there’d be a good bus-goes-over-a-cliff accident and then dozens of bodies and CHA-CHING for us but NOOOOO. Now I have to STARVE to death…ironically, I may become a client at my now-former job.”
Amazing thing with funerals too. I mean with a wedding, you plan for a year or two, organize every last detail and then you still pray it all goes off smoothly. With a funeral, it's all set up in a few days, you plan as best you can...and the pressure's just not the same. Kinda hard to screw up a funeral. Even if it is bad, who's gonna tell you? Someone won't be tactless enough to say, "Jane, I gotta level with you: you have NO business holding a funeral. I mean, HONESTLY. This is a train wreck minus the fun. Those stories from her life were derivative and cheesy. The songs were badly performed. And that friggin' kid, SCREAMING CONSTANTLY -- it completely ruined my misery. I mean REALLY Jane, who's driving this ship? 'cause I don't think it's you."
I hate condolences, I’ve decided…they’re awkward for everyone. Nobody really likes giving them and nobody really likes getting them. “I’m sorry for your loss.” It tends to be the best thing to say but no matter how sincere you are, it always sounds so empty and cliché. Then again, it’s probably not the best time to get creative. Nobody will leave a funeral saying, “How bout that Jim though, huh? What a condolence! ‘Thanks for the bread, sorry ma’s dead’ – I mean that guy is ALWAYS on!” June 22 And another thing (this relates to the last one about suicide bombers graduating so read it first)Or (just to drag this on even longer), another take on the whole graduating suicide bombers thing…suppose ABC News tells the U.S. military about any graduation ceremonies and the military takes out all the bombers at once – maximum convenience! And then the bombers go to get their “eternal reward” (you’ll notice I’m using “God” whereas some might say “Allah”…just not caring in the land of schtick) and then you have this scenario:
NEWLY-DEAD BOMBER GUY: Hey hey hey – so…where's my reward?
GOD: Do I know you?
NEWLY-DEAD BOMBER GUY: Duuuude. Dude, it's ME. I did your bidding.
GOD: How so?
NEWLY-DEAD BOMBER GUY: Blew up a café. Killed a bunch of non-believers…and probably some believers. But you know what they say about omelettes.
GOD: It all starts with the right eggs.
NEWLY-DEAD BOMBER GUY: Um…no…no, you’re thinking of the wrong saying, man. Don’t even think that IS a saying.
GOD: Wow, I'm totally stumped by you. I guess it's been a while since I looked at the book but I think you may have misunderstood me a smidge -- my editors were a little shady though; they may have toyed with things a little. I mean I SAID ‘Hey hey hey, make sure those words are clear now’ and they were all like ‘Yeah yeah. Keep your shirt on; it’s fine.’ Hard to find good help these days.
NEWLY-DEAD BOMBER GUY: Soooo…
GOD: Oh, you’re not comin’ in. Shoo. Even sociopaths get to graduate and wear those silly hatsABC News obtained footage of a graduation ceremony for 300 suicide bombers. This sort of information makes comics lazy – sort of writes itself. But here I go. So guess planning the 10 year reunion should be a simple matter. Rent out a…tool shed. The two guys left show up and then you have my nonsense below:
BOMBER #1: So what happened to Phil?
BOMBER #2: Café bombing, 2008.
BOMBER #1: And Nancy?
BOMBER #2: Airport bombing, 2011. BOMBER #1: 2011? Late bloomer.
BOMBER #2: Yep, yep. (awkward silence)
BOMBER #1: Wow, we are SUCH losers.
BOMBER #2: I know -- I thought it would have happened by now but-
BOMBER #2: I KNOW-
BOMBER #1: It's just-
BOMBER #1: It's just-
BOMBER #2: It's not HAPPENING-
BOMBER #1: Exactly, just, just -- like maybe we should-
BOMBER #2: Give back our diplomas-
BOMBER #1: Throw in the towel-
BOMBER #2: Exactly. Exactly, exactly, exactly. (silence)
BOMBER #1: I do kinda like living actually.
BOMBER #2: Oh my God - me TOO!
BOMBER #1: Though I am wearing explosives RIGHT NOW.
BOMBER #2: Oh. My. God. It's like we're brothers! If it wouldn't set off my trigger mechanism, I would SO hug you. In a decidedly masculine fashion. How 'bout a punch in the arm?
BOMBER #1: Speaking of punch, did you bring it?
BOMBER #2: Todd was supposed to bring the punch.
BOMBER #1: How IS Todd?
BOMBER #2: He ran out of time to make punch so he panicked and blew up a mini-mart this morning.
BOMBER #1: Oh that Todd; always the drama queen. I got your edu-ma-cation RIGHT HERE!So here is a story: a school principal I guess went a bit nuts and threw feces at a child. Yes, I really did just say that. A principal. Threw feces. FECES. At a CHILD. This is not a drill. This is really nutso. Y’know, even if you're in a "throwing things" sort of mood, if the only thing available to throw is poo...isn't it best to suppress that urge til you find a good rock or stick -- ANYTHING else? Anything that isn't horribly gross. I'd like to think that a good principal has taken a good many years to become a principal...I suppose there probably wasn't anything SPECIFICALLY stating that they shouldn't be throwing poo at kids; guess that's an oversight someone had to pay for.
Principal won’t face disciplinary action though – which is possibly more nuts than the original story. But then, I bet the reason this didn't go further was nobody wanted to sit through months of hearings where $300/hr. lawyers keep repeating the word "feces".
LAWYER IN BIG FANCY SUIT: So you threw the feces at the child?
BAD PRINCIPAL: Yes…I…threw feces.
LAWYER IN BIG FANCY SUIT: Feces? BAD PRINCIPAL: Feces, yes.
LAWYER IN BIG FANCY SUIT: Feces?
BAD PRINCIPAL: Stop saying that word!
Now she's on leave -- with pay (WITH PAY) -- and could return to work in the fall. The principal said her action was the result of "total, total frustration" but said it was in no way justified. Really? She felt the need to add "was in no way justified?" Lest we believe she would hit us with “yeah, I was frustrated…but he was just asking for a faceful of poo. He had it comin’, I tells ye. Youda done it too, I KNOW ya would!” And this was because of frustration? I’ve been very frustrated before…but guess not as frustrated as I thought. I mean that course of action wasn’t even on my list of options – not even at the bottom. I think "gouge out my own eyes" squeaked on to the very bottom of the list but this principal's solution didn't quite make it. June 18 Give me cheese...ANNNNND give me death. In that order.I saw this article about 17 foods you should try before you die. I think I'll try…16 of them. Then if I get shot one day and I'm lying there dying, I'll have a sense of focus. Someone will come up and go "Oh my god, I'll call an ambulance!" and I'll say "Just get me some Le Riopelle de l'Isle…it's a type of cheese from Quebec. Don't make me say it again; I'm dying. Oh yeah and if anyone shows up after I die and cries a lot, tell them my last words were that I loved them. Though be discreet about it if a few people show up at once or it'll devalue my last words – can’t have everyone being told that my last words were specifically about them. If that happens, everyone will just think I'm a dead liar and they'll probably kick me. That's what I would do anyway. Why am I still talking? And why are you still here when you should be getting me weird Quebec cheese?" Taco BedlamI was at Taco Bell the other day, got some of the hot sauce packets…they’ve starting to print little sayings on the packets. Really odd random crap like “I collect stars” and “Bike tires scare me.” Bike tires scare you? BIKE TIRES? Hey sauce packet, I got my own problems – you’re not even ALIVE. You never were. Oh stop crying…unless your tears are delicious sauce…then I'll make you cry some more. Your mother never loved ya! There, cry your saucy tears; I’m trying to eat this miserable excuse for lunch over here! You could learn a thing or two from a cokehead...no, seriously I think everyone, at some point in their life, should be addicted to cocaine or heroin -- something like that. Yes, this sounds crazy but here's why: it will teach you valuable money management skills. Coke addicts always seem to be able to come up with enough cash to support their obscenely expensive habit. Here I am scraping by and some of these guys are managing to pull together thousands of bucks a week to get their fix. So the next time you think you could NEVER learn anything from an addict, think again, buster (does anyone call people "buster" anymore? It sounds cartoonish). All you need to do is get addicted, quickly learn all the ways you can come up with lots of money really fast and then when you dry out and go back to non-addict life, you'll be so much better at managing your money. You'll be resourceful in ways you never knew possible. Yes, there's a risk you won't be able to kick the habit and one day you'll be found dead on the pavement or that maybe you'll sell your friends and family to some sort of illegal slavey outfit...but hey - can't get somethin' for nothin'. June 10 Just trust Jack, people; this is getting tiresomeOkay, on the show “24”…the show is a great experiment on how hard it is to get someone’s trust. I mean, look at everything Jack Bauer does and STILL, people question every move he makes. And then at some point – AGAIN – they find out that – AGAIN – he was right. AGAIN. One day he’s just gonna snap and go, “Okay, y’know what – I’m doing things MY way and YOU aren’t gonna challenge me on it. Know why? I’ve saved the world like SIX times now. How ‘bout you, where’s your name on the I-Saved-The-World bulletin board? Oh, lemme see – looks like you’re still holding steady at ZERO World Saves. Oh, and I was supposed to be up to 4 weeks vacation after my fifth World Save but apparently THAT hasn’t happened yet so y’know, next time there’s some kind of nuke threat or nerve gas or virus or assassination or president going berserk, YOU can do the saving, ‘kay? If you need me, I’ll be in Bermuda. The Triangle part."
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