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July 07 Funerals, condolences and other happy little thoughtsRecently, my wife’s grandma died and at such times, my brain sometimes will wander off into the Land of Inappropriate Thoughts. As we’re at the funeral home, it occurs to me: the funeral business isn’t a bad one to get into. You dress up, you perfect that “pained smile” look (the one you use to greet people – you can’t look TOO happy because then they’ll think you’re making light of the death of their loved one but you can’t look TOO glum because then you’re bringing THEM down and they’ve got enough of that already), you keep a healthy supply of water, coffee, pop and cookies and you tell people where the bathrooms are. Job security is fantastic – though if the place you’re in does close down, it might be hard to get sympathy from anyone. “Yeah, I got let go; I don’t get it – not enough new business rolling in…I kept PRAYING there’d be a good bus-goes-over-a-cliff accident and then dozens of bodies and CHA-CHING for us but NOOOOO. Now I have to STARVE to death…ironically, I may become a client at my now-former job.”
Amazing thing with funerals too. I mean with a wedding, you plan for a year or two, organize every last detail and then you still pray it all goes off smoothly. With a funeral, it's all set up in a few days, you plan as best you can...and the pressure's just not the same. Kinda hard to screw up a funeral. Even if it is bad, who's gonna tell you? Someone won't be tactless enough to say, "Jane, I gotta level with you: you have NO business holding a funeral. I mean, HONESTLY. This is a train wreck minus the fun. Those stories from her life were derivative and cheesy. The songs were badly performed. And that friggin' kid, SCREAMING CONSTANTLY -- it completely ruined my misery. I mean REALLY Jane, who's driving this ship? 'cause I don't think it's you."
I hate condolences, I’ve decided…they’re awkward for everyone. Nobody really likes giving them and nobody really likes getting them. “I’m sorry for your loss.” It tends to be the best thing to say but no matter how sincere you are, it always sounds so empty and cliché. Then again, it’s probably not the best time to get creative. Nobody will leave a funeral saying, “How bout that Jim though, huh? What a condolence! ‘Thanks for the bread, sorry ma’s dead’ – I mean that guy is ALWAYS on!” Comments (1)
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